Reflections on my second year in college

#2: Always try and create possibilities/opportunities for the best potential version of you.

I came into this year with pretty much absolutely nothing to show for my first year at a university. Which looking back now, was such a waste of a year where I could have done so much. But seeing how much my resume lacked and how little networking I had done, I realized that if I ever wanted to get a good job, get into law school or grad school, or even be remembered here, I had to act fast, immediately. So I dove headfirst into the first thing I could.

I had no qualifications to be a lobbyist for my school but I pursued it because I had nothing to lose but a great chance. And surprisingly, I got in (I later learned that everybody who applied got in, but that’s another lesson. Even showing interest in something can get you places because that’s usually all people are looking for). Now I’ve met politicians face to face that could potentially become great contacts. I also realized I needed more leaderships experiences and even though, again, I had no qualifications, and honestly, no interest in the positions, I took the chance, met great people and am now really excited for next year.

I think I mean this more academically though. My biggest regrets are not doing the best I could in my classes in high school. They’re the biggest reason I failed to get where I initially wanted to go. I made the decision that it just couldn’t happen again. I didn’t and don’t want to be forced to give up an ambition just because I screwed up and didn’t try enough in the past. I have absolutely no idea what I’m working towards right now, or what I’m building my resume for, but i know that when I do figure it out, I want all of my options to be within my reach

And now, I can (finally :) say that because of an accumulation of what I’ve done over the course of 2 semesters, I landed a dream internship I never knew existed until last month.

can’t. freaking. wait :D

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Reflections on my 2nd year in college

#1: Push as much out of your comfort zone as possible because that’s the best way to figure out who you are and what you want.

I had originally wanted so badly to go to a school that had people I was used, or even better, people who would absolutely get me. Instead, I ended up at san diego state that was pretty much the antithesis of that. And nobody got me. People thought I was Mexican, people thought I wasn’t a natural born citizen, people thought I was a prude, that I was innocent (they may not be completely wrong on that one), thought it was weird that I think I’m breaking the mold by being my major. that its incredible that i’m going to India this summer (they can’t fathom that this is a common practice). people thought my first language was hindu (yes, hindu) and that I worshiped monkeys equivalent to the devil.

yeah.

But the fact that they knew basically nothing about my background, required me to explain my entire life, my views, everything. And I had never had to do that before. And when you’re forced to condense and construct your life, perspective, and goals, you learn more about yourself than you ever have.

Its terrifying, and I wish I could say this process has given me a more conclusive idea about who I am, but I’m still getting there. All I can say is that if I had stayed with what I was used to and what was used to me, I would still be lost and have no clue that I even was.

Done with school and after a couple days of making sure everything is sorted out and ready to go, its back to the bay! 2 years later and back to being a senior again too haha. feels good but i have so many decisions to make its literally driving me nuts. And they all domino effect onto one another so that’s just splendid.

I decided to go backwards through my tagged facebook photos and I can’t believe I different I looked, was, felt just 4 years ago. Yes, that’s a long time, but then again, its not. Just 4 christmas-es ago, just 4 last-days-of-schools ago. Everybody I’ve talked to lately seems to be going through changes, major and minor, exciting ones, terrifying ones. I know I’ve been freaking myself out too, because I have to figure things out now that will dictate the next 2 or 3 years of my life. But then I think back, and I had the exact same anxieties then as I do now, and really? Nothing I did then really concretely has made a difference regarding where I am today. Of course, I got myself where I am, but 4 years ago, I didn’t even know SDSU existed, or that I wanted to study crime, or that there would be a day where I was so used to waking up at 6am that I would do it automatically. Yet, here I am.  And I was petrified that signing up for that one class, or not making that one extracurricular would define my life.

We get options and solutions thrown at us on a daily basis, and unless somebody has a gun pointed to your head (and even then) there is never any true finality to any choice you make. So to me, and everybody else I know who’s out there freaking out because every decision seems make-or-break, realize that while every moment is fleeting, its also fluid and we move with it. We are not defined by the choices we make, but how we choose to handle them or even fix them.

so relax :)

and laugh because this is me 4 years ago (I clearly knew what was up):

my inner geek (:

This past semester, I’ve seen myself change so much, probably maybe for the better, but I don’t like it as much as I thought I would. I know people now; everywhere I go on campus, at every event, I can say hi to at least one person and hold a conversation. And that alone, I can hold a conversation! I can make comfortable eye contact! Where has this skill been all my l life? its suddenly easy for me to talk to people now, intimidating people, nice people, strangers. I won’t say I’m a social butterfly yet, but maybe a moth? A social moth; I can still fly but I’m not quite as big, quite as brilliant. It used to be kind of an act I kind of used to project, where I would be nervous and anxious inside but my exterior would fake being happy and confident. Leaving an event, my job, a conversation would be like holding my breath, and then I could finally exhale, what a sigh of relief, I can start being me again.

The “me” I’m used to is introverted, internal processing, only speaks when I’ve thought things through, a book worm, the one who cares about her grades, constantly striving to learn new things, spends most of her time in her room. Now i’m spending less and less time in my apartment, I went to the beach and loved it! for the first time. I actually wore a bathing suit and swam in the ocean. I went on the scariest rollercoaster that I previously couldn’t even look at. I hiked the hardest trail in the San Diego area and wanted to keep going.  I spoke to murders and smiled, and laughed, and ate lunch with them.

And all this time I’m thinking what the hell? What’s happening to me? I prided myself on my love for the bay area over so cal, my “chosen” introversion, my reserved nature, just being the me I knew, that everybody back home knows me as. But now I find myself breaking away from that a little; i like san diego now, not as much as the bay area maybe, but i’m see its merits more and more. And I like going out on the weekends. I enjoy talking to people when I used to ignore them because it took too much effort.

But as much as I like the me I’m becoming, because its what I’ve wanted to be since I was young enough to have aspirations, I find the person I’m used to pushing back. I can’t be both. I can, but I need to find a compromise. Where I can be who I want to be, but also be who I love at the same time.

There’s a really cheesy indian show my family and I used to watch when I was younger, and at the end, the hostess would say something along the lines of “Reach for the star, but keep your feet on the ground”. and we would laugh, at her, at the quote, at the corniness of it all. But right now, that quote makes sense. The farther you reach, the bigger the chance you’ll  get lost somewhere in space and not find your way back. And right now, I’m just hoping I’m able to stretch far enough to touch both ways

Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20 | Video on TED.com

Clinical psychologist Meg Jay has a bold message for twentysomethings: Contrary to popular belief, your 20s are not a throwaway decade. In this provocative talk, Jay says that just because marriage, work and kids are happening later in life, doesn’t mean you can’t start planning now. She gives 3 pieces of advice for how twentysomethings can re-claim adulthood in the defining decade of their lives.

Most of the people I know who are my age or slightly older are ambitious, but the people I see online, in my university, and the messages we get in New Girl, HIMYM, Thought Catalog, and countless other sources we measure our lives too keep saying that its ok to slow down, to take your time. I’ve written about this ‘extended childhood’ before but watch this video! Taking a breather is good for everyone, just makes sure it doesn’t last a full decade

sometimes you really do have to trust yourself over your doctors. i just saw a picture of me from literally less than two months ago and i look so different i can’t even believe it. ever since i’ve gone off of my medication, i feel so much happier and the pounds have just been shedding; to think I could have done this so much sooner -_- i’ve always been wary of taking pills of any kind and this only completely confirmed that for me

goin’ au natural all the way now!